I've always loved babies and children. I enjoy their company. I used to greet the news of an expectant arrival with such joy and excitement...
My partner and I have been trying to conceive for over two, nearly three years. Now when I hear the news "I'm pregnant", I'm pleased for my friends but I'm also filled with sadness. I feel numb. This feeling is overwhelming. It can be compounded and made stronger if:
a) The couple have just met and this is a unplanned 'surprise' baby.
b) An establish couple decide to come off the pill and 'whammo' instant pregnancy.
I feel so many emotions. I feel guilty that I am sad and not happy for my friends. I feel that it is not fair and then feel selfish for feeling this. I feel like I must be a horrible woman. I am a useless woman. Why does my body not work as it should? I'm frustrated for feeling the way I do, I'm frustrated having seen over 30 of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances have babies in the time we have been trying and Yes, I know I should not be counting.
I worry that someone close to me will pick the names I have chosen for MY babies.
I worry that I will never be able to use the names I have chosen.
My partner has two almost grown up children. I love them dearly and I know they love me but I am not their mother. If we never have a baby, partner will still be a father and I will not know what it feels like to be somebody's mum.
I know that all these negative thoughts aren't helpful. I know they are mostly irrational. I am told not to worry, to stay positive, not to think about having a baby. Not think about it? I think about it everyday, I want this more than anything else. It's hard not to think about it when all around me, my friends, colleagues and family members are having babies...
When I get used to the news... I overcome the negative emotions... I become happy and genuinely thrilled for the couple. I eagerly await their new arrival.
However, I'm coming to realise (although it takes me by surprise every time) that when I first here those words "We're having a baby"..
I feel a deep uncontrollable sadness and, despite being surrounded by family and friends..
I feel alone.
